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The Institution of Monogamous Marriage and Alternatives

-- By YinanZhang - 26 Feb 2009

Introduction

The institution of monogamous marriage has an undeniably significant impact on our society. Most people undergo through the process at one point or another. But do they really consider the full consequences of a legal union? I believe that people, to a certain extent, marry simply because society hold them to an expectation and subconsciously instills the ideal of marriage into their minds. As children, parents expect us to go through certain essential stages of life, of which marriage is one, to attain maturity and responsibility. Society promotes the image that a life spent with our spouses until death serves as the only way to reach emotional happiness. Such a concept of soul mate stems from a dependent need for the other much comparable to a limited market for goods in which there exist only a limited number of participants, without whom our value would go to waste as in A. Leff’s Swindling and Selling. We must find the best offer for which to exchange our value in order to produce additional value for both parties. Such a concept is so ingrained into our view on the pursuit of happiness that we often fail to think beyond the boundaries of societal restraints and consider other alternatives.

Benefits of Marriage

First of all, marriage undoubtedly confers many benefits upon members of civilized society. This is unsurprising due to the fact that our society purposely promotes legal union to further order. Indeed, monogamous marriage caters to certain aspect of human nature because we are all social beings that desire feelings of stability and security. We want to acquire the peace of mind that when we go home from a long day of hard work, or when we are immobilized due to illness, someone will be there to comfort and take care of us. Long term relationships accommodate these emotional needs quite well. Furthermore, under our monogamy-oriented society, married couples enjoy unique legal advantages such as tax reduction and unique property status.

Risks of Marriage

However, we often fail to consider the disadvantages of marriage until such unions crumble and fail. We all fantasize the perfect marriage in which we happily hold the hands of our spouse until old age and death. Regrettably, statistics paint a different picture. In the U.S., approximately 40% to 50% of couples divorce. Divorce proceedings are prohibitively expensive and often lead to inequitable division of assets between divorcees in addition to divorce attorney fees. Even if we disregard the financial consequences, emotional turpitude may convince us to think twice before entering marriage. Fewer feelings of hatred exceed those which arise from former feelings of love between two individuals. Divorced couples feel betrayed, confused, and lost after they lose the other’s companionship. Among the still-married couples who experienced infidelity but for some reason decided against separation, unfaithfulness results in long-term emotional pain and distrust. Taking a further step back, even if a couple does manage to hold together a stable relationship, such an arrangement often lacks passion and eventually deteriorates into daily monotony consisting of work, chores, grocery shopping, and child-rearing. Perhaps other channels for emotional happiness exist.

Benefits/Risks of Singlehood

The most obvious alternative to marriage calls into mind singlehood. This path contains its own inherent pros and cons. A truly single person (uninvolved in exclusive long term relationship) frees himself or herself from the obligations of marriage. The most obvious advantage of singlehood grants full sexual freedom. From an evolutionary perspective, human biology inclines toward embracing several sexual partners simultaneously. Males desire to pass on their genes by impregnating as many desirable females as possible. Females strive to guarantee the survival fitness of her children by receiving the genes from the most sexually desirable males while simultaneously looking to secure an abundant nurturing atmosphere from less sexually appealing, but dependable and caring males. Unfortunately, the male predilection to spread his genes and dependability often conflict against each other. Singlehood avoids the gap between evolutionary needs and the social realities of marriage. Moreover, two relatively-unbound individuals reduce the impact that jealousy has on their well-being because a non-possessing social relationship rarely leads to such a destructive emotion. On the other hand, singlehood retains its own set of flaws that monogamous marriage cures. Without a long term partner, one would not acquire emotional stability and the deep emotional connection that come with familiarity. He or she would also face immense difficulty in raising children. After all, we humans are biologically programmed to bear offspring to pass on our legacy and genes. Additionally, for quite obvious reasons, we would evade the financial and emotion stress associated with divorce.

Other Alternatives

The less extreme remedy for reducing the risks of marriage entails the prenuptial agreement. However, this pre-arrangement merely serves as a minor provision addressing the monetary issue within the overreaching contract of marriage, which involves emotional, physical, and financial commitments. Moreover, for a majority of the population, this remedy arguably carries the stigma that a couple already plans for future disintegration, thus undermining the major element of dedication in marriage. On the opposite extreme of the spectrum, we may reconcile our biological needs through an abolition of the institution of monogamous marriage and instead embrace a polyamory reform movement, in which individuals engage in more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. A handful of people in our society embrace this legally unrecognized lifestyle. Unfortunately (perhaps fortunately?), this solution, if to be recognized by the legal system, seems impossible within the foreseeable future because it calls for a complete topple of the existing institution. In the end, whether we choose to maintain a complete sense of “self” through singlehood or strive to merge our identity with that of a life partner through marital union depends on a balancing of the benefits and risks of each lifestyle. Nevertheless, we have an obligation to our own happiness to ponder the full extent of each choice’s consequences, instead of blindly following the orders of society.

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