Are you sure? Let's begin by defining negotiation. I think the word means "getting to yes," the social process by which parties with differing interests reach mutually acceptable agreements. Women have been honing their skills in this process since before they were women, as acquaintance with chimpanzee politics or bonobo peacemaking will suggest. Any "traditional" souk, bazaar, marketplace, or piazza will show feminine persons engaged in plenty of negotiating.

Perhaps when you wrote this sentence you were thinking of particular kinds of women, or particular kinds of negotiating. Although I think what you really want is a different first paragraph, because this one is mushy and doesn't state your real idea, I do think a moment or two of thinking about what you were thinking of might be productive for other reasons.

However, negotiation is necessary to the lives women lead in the modern world.

See, this is the giveaway. You're talking about women of a certain class. You didn't see class, 'cause its invisible 'cause we don't have none of that around here.

Another reason for female timidity toward salary negotiation may be that from a young age, most women are taught to be complacent and agreeable, while most men are conditioned to be confrontational. After all, boys will be boys! When women hear a salary offer, however, they consent. The ladylike among us may even say thank you.

Maybe. Where are you getting your evidence from? I hire people, and I negotiate salaries with them. Some of them are negotiators, and some aren't. Of both sexes. And some people are bad at negotiating their own salaries but good at negotiating other transactions. I wouldn't put my experience up against some well-collected data. But you don't have any here.

The basis for the comparison is a little casual. With respect to sexual bargaining, it's true that the social expectations that shape our behavior are gender-specific: in heterosexual sex, men advance, women select. Perhaps this runs a trifle deeper, even, than social construction. Female sexual selection, after all, is the real subject of Darwin's Descent of Man, because—as Darwin tries to establish in his painstaking consilient fashion—female sexual selection is the primary form of natural selection that created Homo Sapiens.

There's no evolutionary significance to salary bargaining, however, and I don't generally take my sociology from Sheryl Sandberg, thank you very much. I think the reason women are still occupying a small sliver of the world's most powerful positions is that men stop them. I don't think the problem is that women aren't aggressive enough. Or that they don't have some other kind of necessary character. Male control of all the public levers of power was simply presumed throughout human society until one generation ago, when the Pill gave women practical control over fertility for the first time in human history. Men have not simply surrendered their control. Two generations from now, however, the most widespread social revolution in our history will have completed itself, from this rather narrow point of view.

In the meantime, you are arguing, I think, that women in our society should be given negotiation training. So should men. If we redesigned high school, which is always a good idea and which never happens, we would be well advised to try to get adolescents to learn some rudimentary negotiation skills. Of course, they would be poor learners. Adolescents are biologically and psychically in a poor position to learn skilful negotiation. The best time to teach people how to negotiate is, in fact, when they're young adults. Unfortunately, as you say, that's long after they've started having sex. But that's what negotiation training in high school is for. You think school boards in Texas, Kansas, and Iowa will sign right up?

In the bedroom, gender dynamics have changed dramatically in our recent history. At the beginning of the 20th century, almost all American women entered marriage as virgins, but at the beginning of the 21st century, over 75 percent of women have had sex by the age of 19. But sexual liberation isn’t easy. Today, 61% of sexually active college women say no when they mean yes, 90% of whom say no to avoid appearing promiscuous. One in five college women is the victim of rape or attempted rape. Often in cases of acquaintance rape, the question of guilt turns on whether or not the woman consented.

Did Adrienne consent? She did according to the No Model, in which a man may assume consent unless the woman objects. She probably also consented under the Yes Model, which requires affirmative consent through words or actions. Anderson argues that both of these models are fundamentally problematic in light of studies that show women experience physical paralysis and mental dissociation when they are subjected to unwanted sexual encounters and that men consistently misread body language to infer affirmative consent. Instead of framing the issue as a question of consent, Anderson believes rape law should place an affirmative duty on both partners to request “information about another person’s desires and boundaries or an expression of one’s own with an invitation to respond" (123). First a meeting of the minds, then sex.

Anderson’s Negotiation Model identifies a conceptual flaw in how we currently look at rape. The notion of consent in traditional rape law treats women as acted upon. A man advances. A woman must decide: yes or no. Imagining sex this way puts the woman up against a wall, rather than treating her as an equal party with equal bargaining power. The Negotiation Model is a more progressive framework and the expectations created by this model may even change behavior.

Negotiation is not a skill that has been honed by women for generations, and in some ways it is antithetical to traditional notions of femininity. However, it is necessary to the lives women lead in the modern world. So, how can we expect women to negotiate in the bedroom when they don’t even negotiate in the office? Maybe the expectations that have kept women agreeable could be used to make them better negotiators. If society and law expect women to negotiate, maybe they will. Or, women can decide that the costs of not negotiating are too high and that the rewards for complacent behavior do not exceed the rewards of standing your ground.

Never Accept a First Offer

-- By SamanthaWishman - 17 May 2012

Negotiating Salaries

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, gave a now famous TED talk about female leadership today. The statistics show that while women have made tremendous strides, we continue to under-perform as true competitors at the top. As Sandberg explains, of the 190 heads of state in the world, only 9 are women; women comprise only 13% of all parliament members; and in the corporate sector, women occupy only 15-16% of top management levels, with numbers only heading in the wrong direction.

Sandberg argues that women continually underestimate their own abilities, that women are too often grateful instead of aggressive, and that women’s reluctance to assert ownership over their own success must be directly related to the small number of women leaders worldwide. This statistic was the most alarming to me as a young woman: In a study conducted over the last two years, we learn that 57% of men negotiate their first salary out of college, while only 7% of women do. Furthermore, this 7% of women negotiate for 30% less money than men.

Now, I know what you all must be thinking. Naturally, this is because women just don’t like money! I’m going to throw a few more ideas out there. From a young age, most women are taught to be complacent and agreeable, while most men are conditioned to be confrontational. After all, boys will be boys! Men continue to dominate the fields of Finance and Engineering (in quantity, not necessarily quality), while more women continue to pursue Liberal Arts degrees. I’m not downgrading a LibArts? degree, after all, I have one and am proud. However, as a result of being funneled into that sphere, we are taught to think critically and argue in intellectual forums. We do not often experience cut-throat competition, where compassion and understanding do not help you come out on top. When we hear a salary offer, we consent.

Changing Roles, Persistent Attitudes

Traditional stereotypes, and perhaps even characteristics, of women as more agreeable, more collaborative, and less assertive have persisted, even as women’s roles have changed. Today, women outpace men in the number of college and graduate school degrees received, they represent over half of the workforce, and nearly 40 percent of wives are the primary breadwinners.

Reproductive rights, sexual liberation, and women’s empowerment have changed gender dynamics inside and outside of the bedroom dramatically in our recent history. At the beginning of the 20th century, almost all American women entered marriage as virgins, but at the beginning of the 21st century, over 75 percent of women have had sex by the age of 19. And yet, today sexual assault is prevalent. One in five college women is the victim of rape or attempted rape at some point in their college careers. Often in cases of acquaintance rape, the question of guilt turns on whether or not the woman consented.

Negotiating Sex

The article “Negotiating Sex” by Michelle Anderson begins with an anecdote about Adrienne, a thirteen-year-old girl who walks walks three miles to have a late-night rendezvous with a varsity basketball player named Mike. Once she arrives at his house, she panics. As Adrienne says, “I completely left my body” (101). They have sex and she never objects. After the incident, Adrienne has traumatic flashbacks and goes to therapy where she is unable to fully overcome the damage incurred that night.

Did Adrienne consent? She did according to the No Model, in which a man may assume consent unless the woman objects. She probably also consented under the Yes Model, which requires affirmative consent through words or actions. Anderson argues that both of these models are fundamentally problematic in light of studies that have shown women experience physical paralysis and mental dissociation when they are subjected to unwanted sexual encounters and that men consistently misread body language to infer affirmative consent. Anderson argues that instead of framing the issue as a question of consent, rape law should require an affirmative duty on both partners to request “information about another person’s desires and boundaries or an expression of one’s own with an invitation to respond" (123). First a meeting of the minds, then sex.

Anderson’s Negotiation Model identifies a conceptual flaw in how we currently look at rape. The notion of consent as used in traditional rape law treats women as acted upon. When they consent, they grant permission to the man to proceed. What they are not doing is having a conversation as individuals with free agency in order to agree upon the terms of engagement. Anderson also identifies a pervasive problem in the real world: women don’t negotiate. Unwanted sexual encounters between teens or young people, like Adrienne’s, are often not negotiated.

How can we expect women to negotiate in the bedroom when they don’t even negotiate in the office? Negotiation is not a skill that has been honed by women for generations, and in some ways it is antithetical to traditional notions of femininity. However, it is necessary to the lives women lead in the modern world. Anderson’s “Negotiation” Model ultimately requires a man to inquire into what a woman wants, which sounds ideal. Unfortunately, negotiation requires asserting what one wants or doesn’t want even when the other person isn’t looking out for your best interests.