Reflections on Splitting

-- By CourtneyDoak - 24 Apr 2012

Fissures

The first seeds of cognitive dissonance that resulted in my split were planted, I think, on the day of my college graduation. My memories of the sights and feelings of that day are vague, painted in broad brushstrokes. The sounds I recall more clearly, particularly the words of our commencement speaker, Elie Wiesel. I recall the goosebumps I felt as I listened, captivated by his message, humbled by the privilege of hearing him speak.

“You will learn you can do something,” Wiesel told us, “even for one person. There must be on this planet at least one person who needs you. One person you can help. Don’t turn away; help."

For those minutes I sat, inspired by Wiesel, who has seen the worst of humanity, who suffered through and survived the unimaginable horror of the Holocaust, who subsequently devoted his life to humanitarian efforts, to replacing intolerance with understanding, replacing indifference with compassion.

I wrote my law school personal statement about how I was riveted by the powerful simplicity of Wiesel’s message, how I understood the capacity that each of us has to help someone in a way that changes that person’s life entirely. I wrote about how the lawyer who advocated for my sisters and me freed us from abuse and instilled in me a fierce desire to do the same for other children similarly victimized.

All of this is true – Wiesel’s words that day succinctly capture why I was drawn to law school two years later. However, this class made me acutely aware that my personal statement failed to explore why I did what I did every day for those two years. I seek now to reflect on those choices, to better understand myself and hopefully to illuminate the path to a legal career about which I’m passionate.

Split

I sat on graduation day thinking: yes, this is what I will do with my life; I will help children who need advocates. Yet I had, months prior, accepted a position as a financial analyst at a global investment bank, to work on behalf of the “high net worth” and the “ultra high net worth”.

And so I graduated with a clear conception of the work to which I wanted to devote my life, but instead I spent my days analyzing financial statements, plugging numbers into Excel. I felt discomfort from the dissonance of these realities.

Initially, I attempted to reframe my perception of my behaviors. I rationalized that the time I spent working on the seventh iteration of a Powerpoint slide was ultimately helping our clients, somehow, to meet their financial goals. But even if I am helping them, in some attenuated way, I’d inevitably think to myself seconds later, they certainly aren’t the ones I’m passionate about helping.

At some point, those thoughts – mental uneasiness, rationalizations to mollify my subconscious, my mind’s rejection of these rationalizations – ceased. I just began going to work, ambivalent but not consciously dissatisfied.

Reading “Something Split” in Lawyerland, wherein Wylie (quoting a psychiatrist) describes the process of splitting, was enlightening in helping me understand my experience. Lawyers must “do things, be part of things, you don’t want to be a part of. You have to pretend to be what you’re not” (Joseph 41), and consequently, cognitive dissonance takes root. This dissonance is sometimes eliminated through repression of the dissonance-causing thoughts, followed by dissociation – a psychic split.

When my first psychic defense mechanism (reframing my perceptions) failed, I think, perhaps, that I split. I cannot identify when, precisely, this occurred, likely because these splits are subconscious. What I know is that a time came when I no longer felt the crushing heaviness of my dissonance. Mental peace made things easier. In hindsight I worry that I was unconsciously traveling down the road to the easiest way of life, the narrator’s route in “Bartleby, The Scrivener”, a life where others would characterize me as “eminently safe” (Melville 1).

Wholeness - And Fissures, Revisited

Unlike the narrator in Bartleby, I never saw a ghost, a manifestation of my split, a representation of everything I wanted to be. I feel fortunate that perhaps I hadn't fully repressed or split from my desires as to what I want my life’s work to be, and so the strength of these desires pulled me back together.

Since beginning law school, I have grown increasingly anxious in trying to stay true to my convictions, to pursue work in children’s rights upon graduation. As the reality of financial burden set in, I made hypothetical compromises: what if I work at a firm a couple years, pay off loans, then do what I came here to do?

I recognized the irrationality of these compromises, especially after realizing that I've already been down this road: dissonance, rationalizations, splitting, coming back together. I was disconcerted by the possibility of beginning this cycle anew, by the possibility of subconsciously splitting once more, living an eminently safe life haunted by a ghost I cannot see.

The Way Forward

Our class discourse has made me more self-aware of my career choices to date; I have greater clarity and understanding of my journey. As such my anxiety has somewhat eased as I re-focus on why I split before and how to avoid splitting again – and I think the answer lies in Elie Wiesel’s message, the words that inspired me at graduation.

Rationalizations fall away; it becomes easier to stay on the ‘right’ side of justice, when I realize that there is in fact at least one person, one future client, I can help.

Essentially, that client is me. She is a child, or many children, in whom I see the reflection of my scared, helpless ten-year-old self. So ultimately, I will pursue a career on the right side so I may help those children, give them a voice where they might otherwise be rendered silent, just as somebody once did for me.

(998)

-- CourtneyDoak - 24 Apr 2012

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