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< | A Self Reflection: What's the Shame in Slowing Down? | >
> | When Life Isn't a Race | | | -- By CodyHuyan - 20 Feb 2024
Introduction | |
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< | What I miss most about Seattle is chatting with strangers while I wait for my coffee. I’d learn about what they had planned for the day, share their happiness about a grandchild visiting, or rant about how the Seahawks are playing. I lived in a senior neighborhood, so people seemed to cherish the pause in time coffee lines provided. | >
> | It didn’t occur to me, until Eben pointed it out in my first draft, that I have been constructing my life as a perpetual race. Every stage of my life has a finish line and every day during that stage is a calculated step towards that finish line. Once I cross it, I naturally step into the next stage of my life, with a new goal to race to. | | | | |
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< | I moved to Vermont for college and took my first trip to New York in the spring of my freshman year. I sipped my latte in front of a floor-to-ceiling window and watched people walk pass. The world seemed to play on double speed without a pause button. People seemed always to be in a hurry: even those who took a minute to come into the coffee shop would rush out of the door after they grab their mobile order. No one seemed capable of slowing down. | >
> | I’ve always explained it as me being extremely goal-oriented. To some extent, I wasn’t wrong. It’s not toxic to have goals in life, rather I think it is commendable. The line where goal-setting converts to a perpetual race, though, is when urgency attaches. Most, if not all, goals in life does not imply a deadline. But subconsciously, I have always imagined a sense of urgency, thinking that if I don’t accomplish a goal by a certain deadline, doors would close and opportunities would be lost. At the root, the driving factor behind my illusionary need to race is my fear for uncertainty. | | | | |
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< | I thought of myself as one who enjoys down time. Like I mentioned, I enjoyed pausing my day to chat with strangers. I enjoyed sitting on the beach and staring into blankness. But the more time I spent in college, I more I struggled with empty time blocks in my schedule. I overloaded on classes because I felt like I should be doing something at all times and there is always more to be done so free time isn’t justified. What changed? What’s the shame in slowing down? | | | | |
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< | As an economics major, I was surrounded by classmates who were gunning for investment banking. The most prestigious banks attempt to be the first one to secure the best talent and out-compete each other. Inevitably, the process gets pushed earlier each year and many students begin networking as soon as they start college. With the exception of some extremely determined students, most of us, including myself, had no idea what we wanted to do in our freshman year. I was not even remotely interested in banking, but I jumped on the bandwagon anyway – what if I become interested in banking in the future and my decision to not start early enough would close the door? When I had the option of taking a finance internship or working on a campaign, I took both because I feared leaving one out would somehow close distant opportunities in the future. | >
> | Decisions | | | | |
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< | I want to use this opportunity to explore the root causes of my fear of missing out and incapability to slow down, which may be explained by a simple game theory model | >
> | A lot of decisions I’ve made throughout life, including coming to law school as a KJD can be attributed to this fear for uncertainty. Many people have asked me why law school now? I’d always give some grandiose reason about pursuing justice for the why law school part of the answer. But the driving factor was my fear of uncertainty. Sure, what first drew me to law was the ability to correct injustice (or at least try to). But long before I applied to law schools, I have already realized that the type of lawyer I plan on becoming (aka a BigLaw associate) not only doesn’t exterminate injustice, but often reinforces it. I nonetheless chose to attend law school, not because I desire to make a difference in the legal market, but rather because law offers a comforting degree of certainty as a career, with work that is sufficiently stimulating. Legal recruiting is structured in a way that I can know exactly what I should be doing and what I should be expecting at what point in time. The progression tracks are also foreseeable and relatively certain given the hierarchical structure of firms. The transparent compensation scale assures me that I can sustain the lifestyle that I want. | | | | |
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This depends on what the word "explain" means. In this case it seems to mean "reify misrepresentation." But then, that's the reason my character the econodwarf came into existence: the econodwarf was a full-sized reductionist who reduced himself. As you perceive, one side of the mushroom makes you faster, while the other side makes you smaller.
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> | And why now? Time is inherently uncertain. When I contemplated working for a few years before law school, I was unsettled by all the “what-ifs”. It wasn’t necessarily that I was certain I would be better off attending law school now. No one can predict the future. Rather, it was the ability to stop wondering that appealed to me. The faster I achieve the goal, the earlier I can rest in the comfort of knowing. | | | | |
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> | Origins | | | | |
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> | It’s difficult to pinpoint a moment in time when my fear for uncertainty began to dictate my decisions in life. My upbringing is most likely at the root of it. From a cultural perspective, every generation of Chinese people, especially women, are time-stamped by their parents and societal norms. By the age of 25, you are expected to get married; by 28, you should have your first child; and by mid 30s, you should have a successful career, which translates to holding a socially esteemed position that pays well. I have been preached this timeline for so long that I have subconsciously adhered to it. Because I've never considered an alternative where stages of life are not necessarily associated with age and time, when I veer off the timeline even just slightly, I immediately set a new deadline for myself to get back "on track". | | | | |
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< | Prisoner's Dilemma | >
> | Another factor that contributed to my fear for uncertainty is the family atmosphere I grew up in. My parents didn’t have the happiest marriage would be an understatement. Almost every day, there would be an argument. I didn’t know when a new fight would break out, what they were fighting about, if something I did may trigger them, how and when the fighting would stop, and the list goes on. When I brought back an A+ report card, I realized that when I exceed their expectations, whether at school or other activities I participated in, they would temporarily cease fire. As the only thing I was certain of, I desperately held on to it, striving to outperform myself and those around me at every opportunity. Over time, it gradually became a habit to constantly to race forward. Even though my parents have separated and there is no longer a need to “please” them, I had been preoccupied by the race itself that I have failed to slow down and see an alternative where life doesn’t have to be a race. | | | | |
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< | The hustle culture is essentially a product of the prisoner’s dilemma. Take the law school recruiting scene for example. If all students participate in OCI only, everyone will have equal opportunities to bid and interview. Although not everyone will have equal chances of getting an offer because of credentials, at least every student would be in the same race competing for the same number of available positions. But if one student applies directly, they may be able to enhance their probability of getting the job by preceding their competition. Other students who abide by OCI, however, would be left in a disadvantaged position where they may be competing for less headcount as many would be taken by early applicants. While the most stress-free, “socially” efficient approach would be for all to abide by OCI, it is not the most favorable outcome individually. To maximize individual chances, a given student would likely choose to apply early. But when everyone chooses to apply early, the recruiting process is simply pushed forward. Students still face the same competition while having less time to prepare. The game is identical from firms’ perspectives. All firms face substantially the same pool of candidates during OCI, but they are incentivized to recruit early to snatch the best talent before other firms. Consequently, when all firms choose the best individual strategy, the recruiting timeline inevitably advances. The inescapable consequence would be students spending extra time to network and prepare application material and firms spending additional resources on early-stage outreach, while the outcome would be similar to if everyone had attended OCI. | >
> | Looking Forward | | | | |
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< | The dilemma extends well beyond legal recruiting. People are egotistically motivated. If there is something one can do to edge themselves ahead of other competition, most people would choose to do it.
Speak for yourself. I can say with absolute certainty that such a motive has never been part of my thinking in any decision I have made in at least the last four decades, including all the time I was in law school and getting my PhD. Nothing whatever, in any institution, compels you to be this way, nor is it some necessity of your own nature. When you met the people who would have helped you leave this behind forever, you probably failed to see and hear them because you were busy trying to get their slices of cake. Perhaps it was your greed you needed to regulate, not your time.
People would then gradually catch on and bring the playing field back to where it started until another round of edging and catching begins. The only thing that has changed is that people have exhausted more time and effort. I am too trapped in this vicious cycle, but how can I escape?
By remembering that this use of the model is bullshit. Because you are neither in jail nor in competition with everyone else for everything, zero sum, there is no prisoner's dilemma in the first place. It's just a bunch of mind-bending bullshit somebody sold you and you're poisoning yourself with it because the purchase cost is sunk and you don't know how to write crazy off.
Learn to Slow Down
Breaking free from the hustle culture should not be an individual effort. Though individuals ultimately choose their actions autonomously, institutions still play a critical role. Institutions make the rules, whether it’s OCI, direct application, or early recruiting programs in other industries. In order for individuals to learn to truly slow down, instructions must abide by and enforce the rules they create. When doing something extra will no longer yield a better outcome, people may begin to learn to slow down.
In reality, breaking free from the hustle culture is very much so individual battles. Economic benefits are too strong for institutions to prioritize overall welfare over their individual prosperity. And they make the rules, so they also get to decide if and how to enforce them.
One way I have begun to experiment is to internalize that life is a marathon, not a sprint. I have conceptualized life as sprint segments. Viewing short-term goals as the finish line, I kept telling myself that I need to do everything I can to be fastest in each 100-meter dash. What I neglected is that the person next to me may have already paced for the full life-marathon – they may be behind me at a certain stage, but they will eventually pass me. I will exhaust myself quickly if I do not start to pace for the full marathon.
How about we try a draft where life is not a race in the first place? Are we seriously to consider "slow" as the vacuous staccato chit-chat at a caffeine dispensary? What then is a day at the museum, a walk in the park, half a day of meditation, or—indeed—ten minutes'? Self-reflection is a good idea. But not compulsively looking at your reflection would be an even better one. Let's try it together. You will be astonished at how much life you have yet to live.
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> | To be completely honest, I don’t know exactly what a life that’s not a race would look like at the moment. And that’s ok. Just like athletes need cool down laps after an intense workout, I think it’s okay for me to take some cool down laps before fully figuring out what and where I want to be in life, after running full speed ahead for 23 years. The first step for now is to actually take those cool down laps and continue to remind myself to slow down. | | | | |
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> | What I do know is that, ultimately, to truly restructure life, I must face my fear directly and learn to co-exist with uncertainty. This is obviously easier said than done. But I am optimistic that recognizing my fear and its causes is a positive step towards tackling it. | | |
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